Thoughts of Spring...

It's spring time...the birds are chirping, the sun is shining and the heater is taking a break!  Yay!  Personally, I go for the warmer weather.  Yes, yes, the winter does bring out the fashion savvy side of me and I do enjoy wearing those dressy coats, lace up boots and beautiful scarves, but the chilly seep-through-the-bone weather isn't for me.  And to think I'm in sunny California!  Hopefully, I never have to live where it actually snows during the winter (nope, hail doesn't count, hahahha!).

With the chill factor going down a notch, we find the time to move around the house and yes, actually clean-up, thus, spring cleaning.  I've done this a week ago and a single kid's room took me over 2 days to do.  Going through the piles of stuff which have been gathering dust for over a year, makes me wonder why I didn't throw them out long ago in the first place.  The closets almost collapsing from too many clothes were a mystery too.....after laying them out and setting aside items that were too small for the boys plus clothes I was hoping they would wear but never saw the light of day.....I actually had too much space left!  The way time works is just so unbelievably fast...a clear indication were the clothes that used to fit a season ago and now has to be either passed on to the next sibling or to be given away.  Where have all my little boys gone?  I hope I wasn't too busy to see them grow up.  My eldest just passed his HSPT with flying colors (which I never doubted he could do) and got into the sole high school we applied to (okay, I got a little jittery about this but nevertheless, knew he would get in).  It was bittersweet the day we sat together and chose the courses he would be taking, him still thinking my opinion mattered, me hoping I'd continue to matter.  This kid used to shout "I love you mom!!!" at the top of his lungs for every aisle that we would pass when we did our grocery shopping...yes, the same boy who would have me kiss his boo-boo or cut-up his food for him in tiny bits so he could eat without pauses.  Now I look at him and see a young man, with very strong principles, and a clear view of what's right and wrong.  He's not like other teens who couldn't wait to join the bandwagon and try to belong but is comfortable with his uniqueness and is not afraid to show his individuality.  He sees no color nor gender and will never intentionally hurt anyone since he sees the value in everything.  A young man, ready to take on the world....hopefully with one hand linked to mine.

I think we've done pretty well.....

On turning the big 4-0 and all that nonsense...

Yes, I'm officially over-the-hill...  I turned the big 4-0 a few days back and wasn't expecting many changes.  I was right, of course, since I didn't feel magically wiser and more mature when the clock struck 12.  I was the same ol' me....but then again, age has its way of creeping on you.  I am definitely an entirely different being from the person that I was 20 years back.  For crying out loud, my major worries then included getting out of the office in time to make it to the shuttle and to find a cute blouse to wear for the next movie night with my boyfriend.  These types of things didn't seem too shallow then and were direct sources of stress at that time.  Who would've known that in another 20 years, I would be worrying more about being able to manage shuttling my 3 boys to their various activities (this is of course on top of my own daily errands), being a single-parent to these boys when their dad was slaving away on one of his many business trips (too often, I must say, but he has been commendably hard-working to provide for the family), managing the family budget and so much more?

The years have been good to me though and I have slowly inched my way into responsible adulthood.  No drastic metamorposis for me, but a gentle layering of wisdom, courage, selflessness and acceptance brought about by my everyday experiences. There have been a few trials along the way but with all the wonderful things I've been blessed with, I just feel like the luckiest 40-year old in the world.

Of course, I don't expect the rest of my years to be easy, since the first half was far from that.  I do know though that whatever comes my way, I'll be able to face it head-on, my head held high with a courage only one who has gone over-the-hill could have.

Letting Go

This August, we were informed a few days before school that my son would be moved to a different school location, in a new classroom,with new classmates and new teachers.  Initially, I wanted to ask if they were (for lack of a better word) bonkers! My son, who has an extreme fear of change, who has to be prepped 2 weeks before any  change in his schedule, was going to be pulled out of the classroom setting he now so much enjoys?!!
Listening more intently though on the purpose of this last-minute adjustment, I realized that he would no longer be put in a separate special needs class but will share the classroom with "typical" children, allowing him full immersion into a regular class setting.  He would still be provided his specific therapy sessions but shall be receiving the same opportunities and services provided to the rest of the students.  Really scary but doesn't this sound like a "promotion"? With crossed fingers and a silent prayer, we charged head-on and took the new program.

Here is a short excerpt of his third day in the new school setting.....

I think I had more difficulty letting go than he did....He put up a strong front and did his best to be the "big kid" that he has become.  Watching this clip still brings tears to my eyes everytime....

All is well

It's been 9 months since that dreaded day...the day we learned of the great change in our lives.  Time is of the essence and the 270 days have been used quite wisely.  Our precious one has been fortunate to be provided special education services within 2 months of applying for the program.  While seemingly lacking, the individual educational program created for him has helped in ways that made our hearts sing.  No doubt the first few days were difficult and anxiety-provoking but with our support and unwavering hope, our little one prevailed.  Within the next 5 months, he continued to flourish, enjoying and anticipating each coming school day, thanks to his compassionate special ed teacher who didn't make him feel less than he was.  In this setting, he wasn't different nor was he the odd man out which was unfortunately the case in his previous schools.  Here he belonged and was complimented for his achievements, no matter how trifle they were.  Lately, he has become more trusting and has shown a little more confidence to express himself without the fear of being judged.  No, his speech, comprehension nor social skills are still not at par with that of a "typical" child's but he's getting there.....

Things are looking good....

November 25, 2009

I was unusually anxious in that small sterile room.  My heart was literally in my throat, with its beats racing faster, making me deaf to my surroundings.  How could I be this edgy when I did everything I needed to do to prepare?  I did my research, put my "diagnosis" in writing, noted all questions that came to mind, lest I forget.
And then she comes in...She had very kind eyes, the ones you don't mind looking into. Introductions were made and the testing procedure began.  After hours of strained procedures and curt exchanged responses came the interview.  I knew my lines well, even handed her the concise sheet of observations I made through the years.  I even had an expanding envelope on hand, with neat tiny labels for each type of document I brought.  I did compile everything for reference...I was well-prepared.
But nothing could have prepared me for this.  The eerie thing was that I somehow knew what she was going to say even before she mouthed the words.  At that moment I knew, and yet, I was stunned.  It felt like the wind was knocked out of me, and my heart shattered to pieces.  My voice was distant and sounded unfamiliar.  "Autism?  I thought it was ADHD?"  And then the kind doctor droned on sympathetically about the spectrum, the varied degrees of severity and overlapping symptoms, which I actually knew from my schooling background and after some recent reading and research.  But how could it happen to the most perfect boy in the world?  Did he deserve a life filled with hurdles?  I felt like fighting it, turning a blind eye to the cruel fact...but will it do any good to do such?  I knew I had to open my heart to the truth and embrace it. It was the inevitable first step to overcome the challenge.
I looked at my husband who seemed even more bewildered than I was, but mainly due to a lack of understanding of the disorder and what it was all about.  He was more intent on asking about an immediate cure and a timeline on "when" our son would be okay.  Although his eyes mirrored the same pain that I was experiencing, he was in a much better place than I was....not knowing much about the disorder shielded him from a deeper hurt. Ignorance was, in this circumstance, bliss...

Falling into Place

The past months have brought changes I never saw coming....
Well, maybe I did see something but didn't expect exactly the same outcome.  You have to adapt when something you don't expect happens.  You get nothing less, nothing more, but something totally different.  You don't fight it but work out acceptance and embracing change.
I'm probably just halfway into full acceptance but I'm not fighting it anymore.  Good things have begun happening and I know that more is in store.  It will be difficult too, but, I don't mind...It's love that tides you through.  And that, I have a lot of.

Today is the first day of my life

It is true, by the way... 
Everyday is a new beginning for everyone and such an opportunity should never be wasted.  While each moment that passes can no longer be brought back, we can always make the most out of the new day.  I feel grateful that I always get to choose what kind of day I will have...so I try to choose well.
I realize that there are many challenges along the way but I look forward to this wonderful year.  Good things will happen because I choose to live this year with substance and gratitude....