November 25, 2009

I was unusually anxious in that small sterile room.  My heart was literally in my throat, with its beats racing faster, making me deaf to my surroundings.  How could I be this edgy when I did everything I needed to do to prepare?  I did my research, put my "diagnosis" in writing, noted all questions that came to mind, lest I forget.
And then she comes in...She had very kind eyes, the ones you don't mind looking into. Introductions were made and the testing procedure began.  After hours of strained procedures and curt exchanged responses came the interview.  I knew my lines well, even handed her the concise sheet of observations I made through the years.  I even had an expanding envelope on hand, with neat tiny labels for each type of document I brought.  I did compile everything for reference...I was well-prepared.
But nothing could have prepared me for this.  The eerie thing was that I somehow knew what she was going to say even before she mouthed the words.  At that moment I knew, and yet, I was stunned.  It felt like the wind was knocked out of me, and my heart shattered to pieces.  My voice was distant and sounded unfamiliar.  "Autism?  I thought it was ADHD?"  And then the kind doctor droned on sympathetically about the spectrum, the varied degrees of severity and overlapping symptoms, which I actually knew from my schooling background and after some recent reading and research.  But how could it happen to the most perfect boy in the world?  Did he deserve a life filled with hurdles?  I felt like fighting it, turning a blind eye to the cruel fact...but will it do any good to do such?  I knew I had to open my heart to the truth and embrace it. It was the inevitable first step to overcome the challenge.
I looked at my husband who seemed even more bewildered than I was, but mainly due to a lack of understanding of the disorder and what it was all about.  He was more intent on asking about an immediate cure and a timeline on "when" our son would be okay.  Although his eyes mirrored the same pain that I was experiencing, he was in a much better place than I was....not knowing much about the disorder shielded him from a deeper hurt. Ignorance was, in this circumstance, bliss...

Falling into Place

The past months have brought changes I never saw coming....
Well, maybe I did see something but didn't expect exactly the same outcome.  You have to adapt when something you don't expect happens.  You get nothing less, nothing more, but something totally different.  You don't fight it but work out acceptance and embracing change.
I'm probably just halfway into full acceptance but I'm not fighting it anymore.  Good things have begun happening and I know that more is in store.  It will be difficult too, but, I don't mind...It's love that tides you through.  And that, I have a lot of.